Girl trouble got you down? Do bigger guys kick sand in your face? You don’t have to take it anymore! All you need to turn your life around is a positive mental attitude, an open mind... and an Elder Sign burned into your right hand.

The nastiest spells from the Necronomicon are all over the Internet and personal growth has never been easier. In this new era, rock hard abs, explosive earnings, and better, longer sex are all on offer; one need only learn a few arcane symbols and offer their soul to Father Dagon.

Our kid Chester Swallow has had it up to here with his lousy job at the drive-thru and his rotten luck with the ladies. After watching a few how-to videos starring his favorite online influencer, he’s ready to take the plunge and sear an Elder Sign into his open palm. It’s a gutsy life choice and now things are going to change for Chester faster than you can say “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!!!”